The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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