I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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