Pappa wants mamma naked
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
