Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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