Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
