He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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