I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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