tell your sister to shave her snatch
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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