4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
