I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My dick has a subreddit
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
