I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
