What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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