Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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