I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
