haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
