jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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