I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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