I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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