I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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