Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
