Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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