What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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