I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Less talking, more tequila
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
