i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
