Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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