dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
