just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
