We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
