Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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