Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
