farters have to be the big spoon...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
