The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
