The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
love makes seman taste better
smell my finger.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ttyl tear gas
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
