My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
