I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
