Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
