One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
