i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
