I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
this boner is exhausting
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
