farters have to be the big spoon...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
