Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I pour the whiskey from now on
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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