Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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