i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
