I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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