I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
