I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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