so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
