as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
