just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
