barbara walters just said penis...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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