I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
