it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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