I wish I could punch you in the face.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
