two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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