I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
