I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We have started to decorate penises.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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